Wow.  I really have a blog!  For those of you experienced in this please help me if you see things I shouldn't be doing or have done incorrectly.  And I'm sure there will be those times.

I started this blog to document the times I spend with my mom who is suffereing from Alz and the effect it has on me and my family.  Also feel this outlet will keep me from losing my mind because as those of  you experienced with this know, there are plenty of those times.  Mom has been in assisted living (BG) for the past year and a-half.  She just exists there, really hates it and tells me so many times a day.  I go to see her two or three times a week, do her laundry, clean out the cat's litter box, put her clothes away, straighten up the room, etc.

Yesterday ater I was there for 15 minutes or so, I noticed she was staring at me rather oddly.  I asked her what was wrong and she kept telling me I looked like someone but she couldn't remember the person's name.  Finally I figured out what she was thinking and asked her "Mom, do you think I look like Patty?"  She said "Yes, thats right you look just like her!"   Wow - that was really hard to hear.  I told her that I was Patty but don't know if she really believed me.  It's been quite a while since she recognized me as her daughter; she sees me as a visitor.  When she calls me on her phone she tells people she is calling her mother.

I spend a lot of time talking to her about our family and showing her old picture albums with her parents, dad, dad's family and my brother and I as children with Mom and Dad.  None of this seems to mean anything to her now.  I can only imagine that it would be like looking at pictures of total strangers.  Not much fun at all.  I have also stopped taking her by our old homes in ths area because she has no recollection and only gets mad because she "can't have a house like that" and has to live where she does.  Of course the forgetfullness excompasses all aspects of her life.  She calls me in the evening and complains because I never see her when I have just returned home from visiting her.  She always wants to take her clothes off because she thinks no one got her dressed that day.  Blouses, slacks, underwear, jackets, pajamas are all the same and she would wear a combination of all or none of them anytime.

Yesterday I took her to Wendy's for lunch and bought her a favorite luch of chicken sandwich and kiddie size frosty.  I cut the sandwich in pieces so it's easier for her to handle but she takes it all apart and has to examine each piece very carefully before eating it.  She prefers the bun with sauce and lettuce to the chicken and always eats the frosty first.  She eats sooooo slowly.  I try to eat as slow as I can but I still finish way before her.  Of course, then I am forced to sit and watch her pick at her food and spit our pieces that don't quite feel right in her mouth.  Sometimes it makes me almost sick to watch her eat like this and then I feel sooo quilty.  Oh the Guilt!!

We took a nice drive after lunch and talked about the homes and flowers that we saw.  She was in a good mood when we returned to BG.  Once upstairs in her room it was like someone flipped a switch!  She became combative, withdrawn, sad and most of all she was feeling very sorry for herself.  So we then start the dance we dance all the time.  She says she just sits in her room all by herself and that no one comes to see her.  I tell her she doesn't have to sit in her room and there are so many activities going on downstairs if she would just get up and go down there.  Yesterday was a group of ladies signing to music.  It used to be she woud go down for entertainment if I was with her but not then.  She was pretty worked up so I decided to leave rather than stay and have her bitch at me about everything and anything she could think of.  So I kissed her goodbye, told her I was leaving, gathered up her dirty laundry and left.

Ten minutes after I got home she called and said she was hoping I would be over today.  What can you do?   I tried to explain but she doesn't believe me and so I have disappointed her again.  She will say "but, Patty, I need you here to help me".  Guilt again.  There were many other calls last evening until finally I told her we were going to bed.  This usually upsets her because she doesn't know the difference between day and night and only sleeps at night if someone keeps her busy during the day.  Oh yes, we get lots of phone calls during the night too.

This experience consumes me night and day with unfortunately only negative emotions:  Guilt, Sadness, Fear, Anxiety and Pity.  I don't think anyone else can understand unless they have been through it.  I know my husband really can't.  He thinks I should be able to come home and just turn it all off.  How do you turn off the suffering of your mom?  How do you live with not being able to help her?  How do I forget the pitiful images of her in my brain so I can sleep at night?

In less than two weeks I must move her to the Alzheimer's unit at BG.  I must shop for a new twin bed and one comfy chair for her as everything she has now is too big.  Boy is this going to be a big change for her.  At least she gets to take her cat with her.

More later............